IF IT HAPPENED NOW – Jeff Cottrill

 

 

And if the Salem Witch Trials happened now

We’d hang Rebecca Nurse for her Witch Privilege

And all Giles Corey’s pleas for mercy would

Be met with mocking taunts of “ok boomer.”

Susannah Martin and John Proctor would

Decry the lack of innocence presumed

And say due process had been undermined

But every judge would shout all protests down

With “CONSEQUENCE” and “ACCOUNTABILITY”

And Abigail Williams would tell her story

In an HBO documentary.

 

And if the Reign of Terror happened now

We’d leave it to the Internet to judge

The fates of nobles and their families.

Marie Antoinette would never get a trial.

The Twitter sound and fury would be more

Than enough to rush her to the scaffold steps.

Her livestreamed execution would break YouTube.

Her head would sit atop the Eiffel Tower

And pose in selfies with Millennial tourists

And Robespierre would win the Pulitzer Prize

For his tell-all, Catch and Kill.

 

And if McCarthyism happened now

We’d name and shame our socialist ex-partners

And friends in epic social-media rants

Accompanied by the hashtag #CommieToo.

Blacklisted screenwriters and actors all

Would cry and moan into an empty void

Only to hear, “This isn’t cancellation;

You’re only being criticized. Shut up!”

While they collected unemployment peanuts

And Elia Kazan would grace the covers of Time

And Vanity Fair for his “courage.”

 

And if the Satanic Panic happened now

We’d scream “Believe the Children” twice as loud

And anyone demanding evidence

In the McMartin and Little Rascals trials

Would be “on the Wrong Side of History.”

A hundred famous goth and metal bands

Would sign an open letter in Rolling Stone

Begging for freedom of speech and free expression

But everyone would scoff and call them whiners

And Tipper Gore would be immortalized

In a Netflix hagiography.

 

Good thing humanity has reached its apex

And these events could never happen now.

 

 

 

Jeff Cottrill is a fiction writer, journalist, and spoken-word artist based in Toronto, with a style that mixes poetry, storytelling and comedy. He has headlined in countless literary series across Canada, the U.K. and the U.S. for the past twenty years and recently finished his seventh or eighth attempt at a first novel.

 

 

 

 

 

Cover image: Photo by Nicoletta Lofoco.