Cover art by Marta Abbott, The Moon and Venus.
Gravity Tax
AppaduraiMuttulingam
His hands trembled as he tried to open the letter. He knew exactly where it had come from. This was the third reminder to pay the gravity tax, which he had failed to settle for the past three months. Now he had received a final notice, demanding immediate payment. This nuisance had been going on for two years, ever since the creation of this ridiculous sector—Earth’s gravity. Before, there had been no such foolishness.
“Ma’am!”
“How may I help you today?”
“I’ve got another reminder asking me to pay the gravity tax.”
“May I ask who is speaking?”
“I am calling from 14 Lawrence Street.”
“Okay. What’s the problem?”
“The tax is too high, ma’am. Could you please reconsider it?”
“Please wait a moment while I open your account. Yes, we spoke last month on this matter and you asked the same question. You have been paying the tax regularly from the beginning. What has happened?”
“My finances have taken a turn for the worse.”
“What can we do about that? You have our handbook of rules and regulations. We have charged you as per the manual.”
“Ma’am, your manual is too big and the letters too small. They keep running away like ants before I can read them. I don’t understand your tax structure. It is unfair.”
“How can something you don’t understand be unfair? You pay charges for electricity and water, gas and solar power, air pollution, and so on. You pay the TV and mobile bills promptly. What do you have against gravity?”
“Ma’am, what do I have to do with gravity? It has been there since the beginning of time. I hear that it was there even before Newton was born. You did not charge taxes for it all those years. Now, for the past couple of years, you ask me to pay. How can this be?”
“Sir, I am surprised that you didn’t raise this question two years back. We bring water to your home. We clean up the air you breathe. We let you charge your devices using the sunlight that falls on your roof. We provide gas and electricity, and you pay all the charges promptly. But you object to gravity. Think for a moment; can you live one minute without gravity? Can you drive a car? Can your children run around and play? Can you even pee without gravity?”
“Ma’am, it takes time for all this to sink into my pea-size brain. Let me try to understand what your department actually does. Does it serve us by cleaning up gravity? Does it deliver gravity door to door? Then why charge for it? Does this not seem a little unfair to you?”
“Everyone in America pays gravity tax. In Europe too. And some African countries have already introduced it. The world is moving forward very fast. You don’t sound like a patriot. You realize the importance of gravity. You use it fully, yet you do not want to pay. This is most unfortunate. I will have to take this issue to the higher authorities.”
“Ma’am, with your sweet voice, how can you be so threatening? I have been paying the tax from the very first day the department started it. I love my country, my Earth, and Earth’s gravity. In fact, I can’t go to sleep without reading a poem on gravity. Ma’am, I will somehow arrange to pay for it. I just need a bit of time. Sorry for the inconvenience caused. Good day.”
***
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“Who is this? Is this the owner of 14 Lawrence Street?”
“This is he. Please go on.”
“Sir, I am calling from the Department of Gravity. You have been using our service without paying the dues for the past four months. I regret to inform you that the time has come for stringent action.”
“Ma’am, this is most unfair. I am strapped for cash. Please show me some mercy. I did not say that I would not pay. I just want some extra time. I will pay somehow before gravity ceases.”
“You think you are being sarcastic. We have given you eight notices so far. As per our records, you seem to be a dodger and a defaulter of the highest order. If you do not pay the entire outstanding amount, you will have to face serious consequences.”
“Ma’am, please don’t use suchcomplicatedwords. I don’t even know how to spell the word defaulter. I am not that kind of a person. Once I stole my mother’s chicken and sold it. Maybe this incident has reached your ears. But please disregard anonymous complaints. How can such horrible words spill out in your divine, hymn-like voice? I promise you that I will settle the full amount before the end of the month.”
“Please do as promised. Make sure no one calls you from our department next month.”
“Very good, ma’am. But can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead.”
“The tax keeps escalating every month. Why is that?”
“Didn’t you read circular 148.8?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Please read page 48. You, your wife, and your two children all use gravity. And your weights keep rising every month. Accordingly, the tax keeps in line with the increases. Your eight-year-old son could have explained this to you.”
“How do you know my son is eight years old? This is absurd.”
“Sir, we know everything. Your son was born in Albert Martin Medical Center. The hospital records show that he weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces at birth. Did you notice your wife’s waistline is widening day by day?”
“You are being very offensive.”
“I was just explaining why the tax has increased. You should know that many have benefited from this plan. Some people have significantly reduced their weight.”
“Ma’am, how do you know our weights?”
“You should read circular 133.6. Your weight now is 176 pounds, last month it was 172. The magic eyes fixed in the corners of your house sent this information to us.”
“Ma’am, we were not in the country for a few weeks. We were on a trip abroad. Don’t you give a rebate for this? We did not use gravity at all for that period.”
“Sir, our department has analyzed this in depth. Please send an affidavit through your attorney, stating that you did not use the country’s gravity from such and such a date, and that you have paid the gravity tax in the country you visited. We will credit your account accordingly.”
“Thank you, ma’am. Your wisdom pierces my heart. Will you allow me to ask just one more question?”
“Go ahead.”
“My mother-in-law is bedridden. She is in her bed sleeping the whole day. In a glass next to her, her false teeth sleep. She does not use gravity at all. Is there a discount?
“I am ashamed that you have asked such a question. If your mother-in-law did not use gravity, would she be sleeping in her bed? No. She would be flying past planet Mars by now, wouldn’t she?”
“I am sorry. You have made my brain shine. I promise to pay the gravity tax before the end of today.”
“Please do so.”
***
“Hello”
“Hello”
“Sir, it seems your promise too is flying past planet Mars. I am sorry that I have to issue you an ultimatum. Within a week, you must pay all the pending dues.”
“Ma’am, why are you threatening me like this? Do you think I have the money to pay? I already paid the air, gas, water, and electricity charges.”
“Exactly. That’s what I am asking. You pay everything promptly, but when it comes to the gravity tax, you are dragging your feet.”
“I am sure you know the reason.”
“No, I don’t know. Please enlighten me.”
“If I don’t pay electricity charges, they will cut off the power. If I don’t pay the water tax, they will cut off the water. Same goes with the air, telephone, and gas. But can you cut off gravity if I don’t pay the gravity tax? It would be impossible even if Newton were reborn.”
“Sir, if you who do not read our circulars can think so much, imagine how much more our scientists who run this department will be able to figure out. Did you read last week’s newspapers?”
“You sound like my fourth-grade teacher.”
“Sir, you do not read our circulars. Do you not even read the newspapers? At least you can keep up with the news, right?”
“Ma’am, in my dreams, evil spirits come and haunt me. What can I do?”
“Why don’t you read the news when you are awake?”
“Please, ma’am. I am bursting with curiosity. I can’t wait to know what news was in the papers. Please tell me before my head explodes.”
“We had a cheating customer like you who did not pay the gravity tax for eight months.”
“Really?”
“We fined him. He failed to pay even after that. So we decided that he cannot use gravity anymore.”
“What happened then?”
“We put him aboard a rocket and sent him into space where there is no gravity. He circled the Earth once. He changed his mind and we brought him back.”
“Is that true?”
“Then he paid the entire dues; he paid the penalties also; he paid the interest too. But there was a problem.”
“What was that?”
“Now he is paying the cost of space travel as well. For the spacesuit and other expenses, payment is made on a monthly basis. He will complete the payments in about 2,196 months.”
“2,196 months?”
“Yes. It will take him 183 years.”
“Will he live that long?”
“Don’t know about that. His sons and daughters and grandkids have given us a pledge to settle the debt.”
“Ma’am, I will clear all the dues by today. There will not be a cent outstanding.”
***
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“The gravity department is very appreciative of you. They praise you because you are very prompt in paying your dues regularly.”
“Thanks. May I know who is speaking? Your voice sounds like that of duck with a sore throat!”
“I am calling from the Earth Travel Department.”
“Is this some kind of a new department?”
“What? Haven’t you received our circulars? You have a three-month overdue payment.”
“What’s overdue?”
“Earth travel charges. As you know, our Earth goes around the sun, and every time it completes a revolution, you travel a distance of 149,600,000 miles. Think about it. You are having a ride for so many miles, but you are not spending a cent. It is no longer free. You will have to pay for the ride.”
“Great! Now I can count not by days but by miles. How generous! I am thrilled even thinking about it.”
“Please send the charges for three months, and then you can be thrilled. You have traveled a distance of 37,400,000 miles.”
“That’s all right. I will write a check with a song on my lips. A question though, ma’am. Is there a first class, second class, and third class like in air travel?”
“No, not at all. Everyone is equal in this.”
“Very good. I love socialism and equality. So does my mother.”
“There is also a concession for you.”
“Is it? Please increase my knowledge.”
“There is one extra day in leap years, isn’t there? But we do not charge extra. The same charge applies for leap years too.”
“I can’t believe this magnanimity. For this good news, I wish I could give you a pearl necklace. Or perhaps a spotless apple. It warms my heart to hear this, ma’am. Why can’t the rich pay more? After all, they can afford it.”
“Your brain is working wonderfully. We need more people like you. It is like when one travels by air, one needs to pay more for extra luggage. The same applies here.”
“Meaning?”
“Imagine a rich person with four houses, five cars, and a lot of other stuff. He has to pay excess baggage charges, which ordinary families don’t have to. So you need not fear.”
“Ma’am, I can’t tell how appreciative I am of you. I will send the dues immediately.”
“Good. What is that noise?”
“Nothing. I guess it is the noise of the Earth rolling over.”
“All right. During the ten minutes of our conversation, you have traveled another 11,000 miles. Please add these to the dues before paying.”
“Gladly. I will do that right away. Nothing would make me happier. Just one more thing.”
“Yes.”
“I was planning to go on a tour. Now I am going to cancel it. After all, a small journey like that is nothing compared to the grand cosmic tour. I will save the money and pay the dues immediately.”
“You are a genuine Earth patriot.”
“Ma’am, a suggestion. The stars are shining in the skies tax-free. The moon waxes and wanes on its own. You should cover these too. No one is concerned about these big losses.”
“Excellent idea! We will look into it.”
Author
Appadurai Muttulingam was born in Sri Lanka and has published numerous books in Tamil, including novels, short story collections, interviews, and essays. Stories translated into English have been published in three collections. They have also appeared in anthologies Many Roads Through Paradise (Penguin Books 2014) and Uprooting the Pumpkin (Oxford University Press 2016). Among his honors are Sahitya Academi award 1998 (Sri Lanka) and SRM University literary award 2013 (India). One of his short stories was published in the Narrative Magazine, U.S.A (Nov 2021), and another in Asymptote, U.K (2023). A short story also selected as a finalist in the Armory Square Prize (2023) U.S.A. He lives with his wife in Toronto.
Translator
R Shanmuga Sundaram is a retired software professional based out of Chennai. His interests are in Tamil and other language literatures. He
has translated many Tamil short stories into English.
